Posts Tagged ‘inner guidance’

I was prompted in my inner guidance time this morning to write about the immense amount of subconscious process that I am going through.  I asked, “What about it, any particular theme?”  I was told, “Just tell people that it’s happening.”

Well, okay….I am now going to tell you that I am undergoing deep subconscious work, but will spare you the details of it for now (that I find so interesting).  Maybe the details will come later.

It is happening below the surface, and feels way out and big, like soul kind of work.  I am going through the motions of my day, feeling my feelings, functioning, being present to what needs to get done (I am a mom and beloved and friend and volunteer and run a household and write and, and, and….after all), but I am also doing this deep inner work right now. 

I don’t know if I am that different from other people.  I believe that we are all undergoing deep, immense change right now, whether we are aware of it or not.  I believe that there is a larger collective experience of inner limits being challenged and that this is why I see so many beautiful “falling-apart” experiences.  Sure, it’s uncomfortable, even painful when your world unhinges and things you thought were real and concrete crumble before your eyes….but I feel this is a healthy thing.  I feel we are all being freed from our inner prisons, if we will but walk out of the open doors.

Maybe what makes me a little bit different from the majority of folks is that I am aware of these energy processes going on, within and without me, and attempt to describe them.  I feel I am creating a road map of long forgotten territory, and leaving breadcrumbs for others to follow, if they so desire.  I know a very few others that are doing this, too….we feel cycles and movement and process going on, and attempt to describe what we are seeing, feeling and experiencing to the rest of the world as a service and as self preservation. 

I think about this stuff a lot; well, all the time.  My inner life is very rich, and always has been.  I was told by my good friend Madelyn Aslan, a very gifted and well known psychic, that if I wrote every minute of every day for the rest of my life I would not be able to empty out all the thoughts and awarenesses in my mind.  This feels true to me; I’d better get on the ball. 

So, I’m going to describe the process I’m undergoing right now since I was guided to, as best I can.  Bear with me. 

I feel distinctly that I am here, in my life, doing what needs to be done, smiling at people (most of the time), being out in the world…..and at the same time there is another me, much, much bigger than the me that is driving the car or going to the grocery store or having intellectual debates on FaceBook, who is conducting a grand symphony, and yet I am also all the players in it.  Do you get that image? 

I’ve had glimpses lately of what it must feel like to be the Source of All Things.  I feel myself being inclusive of so many perspectives and so many life experiences…. And understanding them.  I have felt that I was big enough to hold all of the world’s diverse life forms and their instincts, their beliefs, their habits.  Recognizing my own “Source-ness” has made me wonder if that is what we are all being challenged to do right no…to open up, to surrender our little tiny boxes that we put around us to make us feel safe, so that we can live bigger, more fulfilling, more loving lives.

Back in 2000 when my spiritual journey took a strong upturn in intensity, I had the very profound experience over a couple of years of feeling that I was unearthing something that had been buried in the earth for many thousands of years.  I had dreams of a language of light that I read in great tomes, and my voice wanted to sing languages I did not know.  My belly felt like a great black cauldron inside that was very full and wanted to express through my throat and voice and sound.  Once, I leaned against a very old oak tree on our property, and while I did I experienced making contact with the tree’s essence.  I felt it awaken underneath me, and we recognized each other…then suddenly, I saw in my mind’s eye that the tree was transmitting symbols from the ground up, in the same language of light that I had seen in my dreams.  Somehow, my being willing to be open to this was what opened the door for this information to move upward, into the light.  This was a somewhat new experience at the time for me, to be awake to a larger collective and psychic process so clearly.

A couple of years ago I had a taste of this feeling of deep subconscious process going on…it was in January of 2007 that it started, when I was first in touch with an biological Aunt that I had not been in touch with for many years.  Being in her presence initiated a cascade of what I can only describe as inner avalanches, and I tumbled down, down, down with the debris that was dislodged, settling eventually down at the bottom of the sea.

I was under this inner sea for many months…I had the distinct feeling that I was swimming at the bottom of a great ocean, exploring caves and communing with the sea creatures, many of whom became my helpers in retrieving gems buried in the sand.  The collage above is the one I made to describe that experience.  But I was living and breathing in the Upper World, the one where the sun is shining, and I was talking to people, and going about my day…..this was all occurring at the same time that a deep inner process was going on.  It reminds me of the desert, a vast dry hot and seemingly barren place, which was once a vast sea teeming with life.  What is apparent is not always what is truly going on.

My current process here at the end of 2009 feels a little different…I don’t quite have the visceral experience of being under a great sea…I feel more like I am under the earth, in some great caverns miles below the surface.  I feel the pressure of the ground above me.  It is so quiet and so still there….and dark, yes, sometimes.  I am feeling my way.  It feels like I am down here (there) moving forward with my hands outstretched, occasionally stumbling over rocks or rises in the cavern floors.  But then I will see a mysterious light around the corner or at the end of some tunnel, and it calls me, and it is my soul telling me that all is well, to rest, to trust.  I arrive into a room that is lit by a fantastic purple series of cascading lights, falling like stars, except that it doesn’t end.  The trails from these purple stars create a matrix, a kind of grid, which makes me think very much of the Great Web of life.  What does this all mean?  I am not certain, but it is a fascinating journey. 

And so, my mind wonders why I was guided to tell you all about this subterranean process happening for me.  Is it perhaps because you are wondering if you are losing your mind because you feel something happening to you too?  Because you feel the slippery slope of your old world crumbling away and you think you are alone in this experience?  Is it because you feel something deeper happening within you but don’t know what to name it?  Is it just to give you a piece of information to consider?  Is it because I am able to put some words around something that is very hard to explain?  Or is it because there are others in the world who are experiencing this thing that I am, and that I need the reassurance that I am not alone?

Having come through 2 of the hardest and most growthful years that I can remember, I am seeing things 20/20, of course.  All of the cycles we have been through are making sense.  Here at the wrap-up of the end of 3 seven-year cycles, a shorter 11 year cycle, and even shorter cycles within those larger ones, my animal relations are showing up to show their support, speak their messages and offer their medicine and teachings.

It started a few weeks ago when Peter was in California to pick up the RV we’d stored there in March (thinking we would be back).  I awoke early one morning to the sound of a female voice saying “Relations” insistently, and 3 knocks on the wall above my head (the wall is the same my pillows rest on and is an outer wall facing west).  I woke up immediately, knowing there was something special going on.  I wrapped up in my robe and walked outside to the area outside my bedroom.  From that vantage point, I looked to the north and saw 3 pronghorn antelopes clustered together around our well head.  They were all looking at me, as if they had been expecting me.  Now antelope are curious creatures, so they will study you for a bit before moving on (unless you scare them off).  But these three…there was something about the way they stood together there and watched me, as if there were a conversation going on.  I watched them and listened with my heart…there were no words at that point, but a feeling of having been “seen” and “received”.  They began to disperse, and I thanked them for their medicine.  Later, when I sat down in conversation with my inner guidance, I was told that the antelope medicine for me in particular was this:

-isolate yourself

-be thick skinned like the antelope-with a thick hide, you can survive in the harshest of conditions and tough times

-don’t be so easily influenced by outside forces

-your psychic awareness is increasing

I was interested in this guidance as it pertained easily with our situation here in Del Norte CO.  I set the intention to internalize this “medicine” from my Brothers the 3 bachelor antelope that woke me that morning.  They have subsequently visited many times, hanging around our 40 acres as if to make sure I am getting the message.

Then, the following week, early one morning I heard a “screeeeee!!!” outside and ran out to see 3 golden eagles circling over our land. I watched as one of them dive bombed another, screeching….but it all seemed in play, as they flew peacefully off to the north once I watched them for a few minutes, where it appeared that they were joined by a fourth eagle. It is unusual to see eagles flying together, so I took this to be another opportunity to listen for a message.  When I asked my inner guidance what my particular message was from the 3 eagles, I was told:

-that eagle is a symbol for divine masculine energy, the will and ability to get things done

-to call on eagle for strength, action, focus, determination and perseverance

-that the lack of energy and confidence I was experiencing would be remedied by the “masculine” energy of eagle

I chose to internalize this medicine as well, and found that I reached out and asked 40 women to pray for me for these qualities.  It worked!  My energy took off, and my ability to stay focused rather than confused and lethargic was remarkably different.  I also sought the counsel of a lovely Ute medicine man, who assisted me in bringing insight to an outstanding issue and balancing our land.  His piece of the puzzle proved to be very important.

By this time, I became intrigued with the consistent number THREE that was showing up.  I have always loved the number three, and according to numerologists, 3 is my “life path number”.  I did some research and found that the number 3 is associated with:

-the Trinity (interpreted in many ways-Body, Mind Spirit/Masculine, Feminine, Divine Union/beginning, middle, end/birth, life, death)

-3-D world, physical manifestation

-movement and ability to overcome duality

-creativity, growth, synthesis

-completion of a cycle

My youngest son wondered aloud what the next set of three would be…he intuited that there was a third chapter to the story.  And there was!  As I have been busy watching for the third set of 3, they were right under my nose the whole time.  

We experienced owning a hot tub for the first time in our lives here at our home in CO.  Our favorite times to steep in the hot brew are in the dark of night, when the Milky Way is so intense it feels smothering, and the early morning with our tea, when it is a very active time for the birds. 

At the edge of the patio, about 30 feet from the hot tub, are two bluebird houses.  They are inhabited by the bluebirds in early spring, who raise their babies then move to the gutters of the house.  Then the summer tenants of swallows move in to raise their young.  We watch with interest as the transition takes place.  There is much squabbling and flitting about, but eventually there is coexistence.

But there was something special about it this year.  Perhaps it was because of the forced stillness of my ankle injury, perhaps because it was just the right time….but I noticed the birds behavior with more interest.  The bluebirds alit outside my kitchen window and, head cocked, peered in with a seeming purpose at me while I cooked or washed at the sink.  The swallows circled repeatedly over my head while in the hot tub with equal intentionality, as if they were trying to get my attention.  I noticed, but I was looking for something “more grand” or unusual for the last chapter of three.  Would it be a trio of elk, or a bobcat family, or elegant hawks? 

It finally dawned on me today as I walked toward the north on our property; three bluebirds, a mother, father and fledgling child came from behind me from their perch on my house and alit in an olive tree directly in front of me.  I stopped and watched them; I felt an invitation to expansion in my heart.  OH!  I can be a bit thick at times, such an introvert that I am wrapped, fascinated, in my inner thoughts, and will sometimes miss the obvious in the “outer world”.  Suddenly, I saw the 3 swallows that had been flying around my head for days in my mind, replayed the mornings of watching the swallows feed their babies in the houses and the first one emerge victorious, calling out as it flew for its first time, flying gloriously with its parents. 3 bluebirds, 3 swallows.

Helllllloooooo… it is these common, “every day” creatures that are the final message of grace for my ending of this cycle in my life.  I sat this morning with my inner guidance after pulling information about these sweet birds, and this is what I was told applied to me:

-swallows migrate for thousands of miles to always return home safely and are a symbol of constancy, faith and fidelity

-bluebirds are associated with happiness, rebirth, and prosperity and are a sign of goodness in the future

-bluebirds and swallows both have associations with home, hearth, and love and loyalty to the family

-bluebirds and swallows are both ancient symbols of spring, hope, resurrection and new life

And the REAL kicker:

-swallows and bluebirds are interchangeably associated as a frequent motif for tattoos on sailors.  It was said that after a journey of 5000 sea miles, a sailor earned a swallow or bluebird tattoo on one side of his chest, and another at the completion of another 5000 or more miles.  They were a harbinger of land being near, of a long journey coming to an end…

I am almost in tears as I write this.  The amount of support and love I am being given at this time of completion of this cycle in my life is almost overwhelming.  And it is also affirming of how connected we are if we but allow ourselves to be.  I am so grateful to All of Life, all of my relations, whether winged or two, four and no-legged, for their reflection that I am loved, and that all is well.

I have had the delight recently of being reminded of my connection to the All That Is through the visitations of several of the two and four legged family.  (Wow, when was the last time I said I was DELIGHTED about something?  It has been a long time!)  These visitations are nothing short of miraculous to me, and a wonderful 3-D reminder that I am part of the fabric of All Creation, and that that fabric supports me….all that falls to me is to pay attention.

I have been a devotee of symbolism ever since I learned in my AP English classes in high school that there was a name for “something having deeper meaning than what was apparent”.  I have been having conversation with the energy of …everything… ever since I can remember, and could feel that there was wisdom to be gained from listening and acknowledging universal intelligence in its many faces.  But it’s called symbolism?  Wow, what a lark that this was a recognized phenomenon!  I have subsequently studied symbolism for years, delighting (there’s that word again!) in Jungian psychology, mythology, Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ works, and the medicine of animals, plants and all of nature.  I now see everything as a symbol, as a message from the All That Is, as a connection to a deeper meaning that can be interpreted particular to me and my situation.

It was with delight (okay I have said it 3 times) that I recently stumbled upon Avia Venefica, a woman after my own heart.  Fiercely devoted to symbolism and an accomplished writer, she publishes 3 lovely blogs that are practical and grounded yet deeply honoring of the spiritual and symbolic connections of All Creation.  Her presence in the world gives me joy and strength; a sister from across the pond, my world has grown and become more “right” because of her clear-eyed wisdom (dare I say she’s delightful?)  I have found some helpful answers lately in her work; I highly recommend her symbolism blog.

More to follow about the animals that have come to offer their messages to me in the last weeks.

About two weeks ago, the sun shone through after several days of rain.  The soft sea air buoyed us as we left the RV for a bike ride, the first in several days.  The boys and I had been stir crazy with the weather, and the RV gets tight in the best of times.  Our bike ride took us to the Pismo State Park, right on the coast; as we rode the monarch butterflies, which winter over here due to the mild climate, flitted across our paths, their wings infused with the light of the sun. 

I will remember this joyous bike ride with my boys for a long time, as it will be my last for several months. 

We returned to the RV to get more school work done, and as the boys worked, Peter said he was going on a ride.  I asked if I could go, too….more rather than less exercise is a good rule for me.  He welcomed me; I threw my shoes on and, a smile on my face, stepped out the door, placing my left foot on the top outer step of the RV.

Apparently, I put my heel down on the edge of what turned out to be a sandy step…before I knew what happened, I was flying.  I felt pain, but more shock of having fallen down the stairs, as I am not one who hurts myself much.  When I got to the bottom, I felt that something was wrong; besides the heart pounding from the surprise, I looked down and saw that my right foot was turned the wrong way, and the end of my tibia, the strong inner leg bone that we see as our shin, poking unnaturally through the left side of my ankle. 

I will spare you the details of my strange calm as I gave orders to my family members, the transfer to the hospital ER, the relocation of the ankle and the immediate surgery, all of which I am in the process of writing in great detail as therapeutic work.  More of note is the inner process that has been accelerated due to the whirlwind destruction of my bodily innocence and the surrender required to allow other people to help you when you are accustomed to surviving on your own. 

I have always been a very strong and healthy person, having very few accidental injuries in my life, relegated to the occasional burn or cut. Even in my rash of car accidents in my barely-present early twenties, I walked away without even a bruise.  Never having broken a bone or been to the hospital except for birthing Jess and a small cut that required stitches when I was 11, this accident ‘broke’ my vision of myself as invulnerable.  The healing at physical, emotional, mental and spiritual levels that is unfolding inside me through this event is profound.  To me, that’s the juicy stuff; to me, this is where the magic is.

My rigidity in my life has held me up when there was no one else to do it; my parents were actively abusive alcoholics, and there was no safe place for me to be vulnerable.  I had to get tough to make it through my childhood, and I took that toughness with me into my growing life, perceiving through my filters of experience that the world was not a safe place.  Of course, as a result of that filter being in place, I helped create more of that belief, which reinforced my toughness.  Over time, my heart has closed except to those who have proven that I can trust them.  My tests, although unconscious, are rigorous and thorough…my tests weed out those who might make a passing grade from the die-hards.  Only those who truly and passionately love me unconditionally make it through my inner gauntlet.  I am civil to the others, but they will never know the real me, as I don’t trust them to treat me with respect and safety.

And I put myself on the line in these tests; I share myself and make myself vulnerable, then watch what they do with what I have given to them.  Some show me their trustworthiness right away by not being able to hear what I am sharing, or rejecting it outright.  Others are a little “craftier”…they listen and appear to treat my sharing with tenderness and care, but later use it against me.  I give the gift of myself to those who do not deserve my trust to prove to myself that they aren’t trustworthy.  It is a back-asswards pattern of behavior learned when a child cannot trust the two people she depends on to keep her safe in the world.  This event has brought this pattern into clear light, for which I am grateful. 

I now have a bionic ankle, complete with “golden” plate and six “golden” screws (the golden is in my mental picture so that I can accept and make friends with the foreign objects in my body).  I must remain “no weight bearing” for 8 weeks, at which point I will begin to learn to walk again.  In the mean time, I hobble around on crutches and spend a lot of time with my foot up on the couch.  Well, I was complaining about not finding the time to write…now I am writing more than ever.  The insights are coming so thick and fast I can scarcely write them all down. 

And so, in moments of extreme grace and clarity, I am actually grateful that this has happened.  Oh, I have my moments of feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry and sad….but all of those are indications of a deeper healing in myself that can occur, if I am just willing to follow the pointers to the place inside where acceptance and insight abound.   

Thank you, my right ankle, for making this sacrifice in service to the whole of me, my inner and outer community.  Like our indigenous ancestors did in holy ceremony, you offered flesh to show how willing you were to put yourself on the line in order for healing to occur on the larger level.  I humbly choose to make the most of this offering! 

Well, okay, one thing that did hold up in terms of what I have heard about L.A. was the traffic…..driving the RV through with all of the fancy cars zipping in and out was so stressful for Peter (I was in the scout car ahead, walkie-talkie-ing directions and lane changes back to him).  The intensity really wore him down.  It just seemed that we kept driving and driving and driving through L.A., and I wondered when it would ever end.  I am told that the population is 23 million in the 100 square mile area around Los Angeles; I have never seen or felt such a populated and sprawling place in my life. 

If you have followed our story at all, you know that we listen to our inner guidance to determine where we are going and where to stay, etc.  This was a skill that we developed as a family during our last Big Trip that served us very well.  As a result of asking for input from the larger picture, God/Spirit/All of Creation, we have had the most magical adventures and met the most marvelous people. 

To navigate through the Los Angeles area, we were guided to stay “north and west” of L.A.  When I looked at the map, I asked about the places I saw there and got a “Yes” on Van Nuys area.…typically, I take the guidance I am given and search online or through other resources for RV parks in that area.  I found two, but one I got a clear “NO” on, and the other was just “Okay”.  We could find no other ideal RV park in the area, so we wound up at Walnut RV Park, where we are squished in like sardines, but it is very quiet and safe, and convenient to lots of amenities.

Jude and Scout, our travel vehicles, and the Lovely Tree

Our trip to the Getty Center was easy and wonderful…we got there early on Saturday and spent four hours enjoying the art, the architecture and the amazing space created there.  I found myself taking photos (which is allowed there, by the way!) of Madonna and Holy Family art…hmmmm, wonder why that is?   Of particular interest to me is a piece in which Mary is breastfeeding Jesus.

“The Madonna and Child with a Male Saint, Catherine of Alexandria, and a Donor” about 1496, by Michelangelo di Pietro Membrin, tempera on panel

It is such a phenomenal gift to the world that this resource is being made available to the public, and free of charge.  Thank you, Getty Family!

My visit with Joan Norton was delightful…I am a little wary about the social network craze, having been burned pretty badly on FaceBook.  It is easy to think you know someone when you are only interfacing with the persona they present online…but it can be a very different story when you get under the surface of the mask.  Joan is one of those genuine gems that came across my path while I explored social media this last summer.  She is intelligent, insightful, and heartfelt in her understanding and communication about Mary Magdalene’s story, and the blessed union of the masculine and feminine.  I highly recommend her blog, Mary Magdalene Within.

As we neared our third day in the L.A. area, I noticed that my sweet Pete seemed tired and a little cranky….He is mostly a pretty energetic person, and hardly ever is he a grump, so this was unusual.  When I asked him what was going on for him, he said he thought his sensitivity to density had increased so much it was really getting to him to be in the population center that L.A. is.  It was literally sucking him dry, draining his batteries to be there.  This was interesting to me, as I have struggled with this problem for years, but have found some way to center and balance now so that I am not so affected by population density.  I actually remarked on how good I felt considering how much energy we were in the midst of.  The kids seemed pretty balanced, too.  We did all remark, though, that it did not feel like the right place for us to live.     

On our last night there, the kids practically kicked us out the RV door for another date night.  We are very blessed with children who truly value that Pete and I actively love each other and spend time working on our relationship.  The kids know that daddy and mommy time is super vital to the health of our family, so they understand and even encourage us to take time out for us.  Plus, that means they get to play their video games without interruption!  So Pete and I went out to a great little sushi place that was literally around the corner.

We sat at the sushi bar, our favorite place to enjoy the sushi experience, where I sat next to a perfectly pleasant fellow who was there on business.  As we got to chatting with him, he shared that he travels the world, teaching about how to do day trading on one’s own.  This sounded lovely and exiting…what a great career, empowering people to take their financial destiny into their own hands!  But as we talked, I felt the presence of something tightly wound in him, something that felt repressed, as if the surface did not match his insides.  I found out later that, as I left for the ladies’ room, Pete learned from this man that he used to be married.  From what he told Pete, he and his wife came to a place that she requested that he choose between his career and her due to his long periods of travel.  He told Pete that he loved his career more than his wife, and they are no longer married. 

This made me feel sad and also caused me to remember back in 2003 when we left Asheville for our first Big Trip….I couldn’t understand why so many of my then-women-friends seemed to be so mad at me, and did not say in touch with me when we left.  I did not find out until months later, when one of them shared reluctantly with me, that they were jealous that “your man chose you over his career”.  You might remember that Pete left his promising career with Toshiba in order to go on the road and do the work of reclaiming us, his family. Back then, I was stunned that a beloved partner would NOT choose his partner over his career, if for some reason it came down to that in their lives.  Apparently, I am one blessed woman to have a partner who values me and our love partnership over anything else in his life.

We left Los Angeles on Monday, November 3^rd and headed north to San Luis Obispo.  It was there, a mere five weeks into the journey, that we got the biggest surprise of our trip thus far….