to www.liciaberry.com/blog in an effort to streamline all of the places I write.  You will find subsequent entries there, as well as all of the older entries from this blog site.  Comments will no longer be moderated here, so please go to the new blog site to post!  Thank you, and Blessings!

I was prompted in my inner guidance time this morning to write about the immense amount of subconscious process that I am going through.  I asked, “What about it, any particular theme?”  I was told, “Just tell people that it’s happening.”

Well, okay….I am now going to tell you that I am undergoing deep subconscious work, but will spare you the details of it for now (that I find so interesting).  Maybe the details will come later.

It is happening below the surface, and feels way out and big, like soul kind of work.  I am going through the motions of my day, feeling my feelings, functioning, being present to what needs to get done (I am a mom and beloved and friend and volunteer and run a household and write and, and, and….after all), but I am also doing this deep inner work right now. 

I don’t know if I am that different from other people.  I believe that we are all undergoing deep, immense change right now, whether we are aware of it or not.  I believe that there is a larger collective experience of inner limits being challenged and that this is why I see so many beautiful “falling-apart” experiences.  Sure, it’s uncomfortable, even painful when your world unhinges and things you thought were real and concrete crumble before your eyes….but I feel this is a healthy thing.  I feel we are all being freed from our inner prisons, if we will but walk out of the open doors.

Maybe what makes me a little bit different from the majority of folks is that I am aware of these energy processes going on, within and without me, and attempt to describe them.  I feel I am creating a road map of long forgotten territory, and leaving breadcrumbs for others to follow, if they so desire.  I know a very few others that are doing this, too….we feel cycles and movement and process going on, and attempt to describe what we are seeing, feeling and experiencing to the rest of the world as a service and as self preservation. 

I think about this stuff a lot; well, all the time.  My inner life is very rich, and always has been.  I was told by my good friend Madelyn Aslan, a very gifted and well known psychic, that if I wrote every minute of every day for the rest of my life I would not be able to empty out all the thoughts and awarenesses in my mind.  This feels true to me; I’d better get on the ball. 

So, I’m going to describe the process I’m undergoing right now since I was guided to, as best I can.  Bear with me. 

I feel distinctly that I am here, in my life, doing what needs to be done, smiling at people (most of the time), being out in the world…..and at the same time there is another me, much, much bigger than the me that is driving the car or going to the grocery store or having intellectual debates on FaceBook, who is conducting a grand symphony, and yet I am also all the players in it.  Do you get that image? 

I’ve had glimpses lately of what it must feel like to be the Source of All Things.  I feel myself being inclusive of so many perspectives and so many life experiences…. And understanding them.  I have felt that I was big enough to hold all of the world’s diverse life forms and their instincts, their beliefs, their habits.  Recognizing my own “Source-ness” has made me wonder if that is what we are all being challenged to do right no…to open up, to surrender our little tiny boxes that we put around us to make us feel safe, so that we can live bigger, more fulfilling, more loving lives.

Back in 2000 when my spiritual journey took a strong upturn in intensity, I had the very profound experience over a couple of years of feeling that I was unearthing something that had been buried in the earth for many thousands of years.  I had dreams of a language of light that I read in great tomes, and my voice wanted to sing languages I did not know.  My belly felt like a great black cauldron inside that was very full and wanted to express through my throat and voice and sound.  Once, I leaned against a very old oak tree on our property, and while I did I experienced making contact with the tree’s essence.  I felt it awaken underneath me, and we recognized each other…then suddenly, I saw in my mind’s eye that the tree was transmitting symbols from the ground up, in the same language of light that I had seen in my dreams.  Somehow, my being willing to be open to this was what opened the door for this information to move upward, into the light.  This was a somewhat new experience at the time for me, to be awake to a larger collective and psychic process so clearly.

A couple of years ago I had a taste of this feeling of deep subconscious process going on…it was in January of 2007 that it started, when I was first in touch with an biological Aunt that I had not been in touch with for many years.  Being in her presence initiated a cascade of what I can only describe as inner avalanches, and I tumbled down, down, down with the debris that was dislodged, settling eventually down at the bottom of the sea.

I was under this inner sea for many months…I had the distinct feeling that I was swimming at the bottom of a great ocean, exploring caves and communing with the sea creatures, many of whom became my helpers in retrieving gems buried in the sand.  The collage above is the one I made to describe that experience.  But I was living and breathing in the Upper World, the one where the sun is shining, and I was talking to people, and going about my day…..this was all occurring at the same time that a deep inner process was going on.  It reminds me of the desert, a vast dry hot and seemingly barren place, which was once a vast sea teeming with life.  What is apparent is not always what is truly going on.

My current process here at the end of 2009 feels a little different…I don’t quite have the visceral experience of being under a great sea…I feel more like I am under the earth, in some great caverns miles below the surface.  I feel the pressure of the ground above me.  It is so quiet and so still there….and dark, yes, sometimes.  I am feeling my way.  It feels like I am down here (there) moving forward with my hands outstretched, occasionally stumbling over rocks or rises in the cavern floors.  But then I will see a mysterious light around the corner or at the end of some tunnel, and it calls me, and it is my soul telling me that all is well, to rest, to trust.  I arrive into a room that is lit by a fantastic purple series of cascading lights, falling like stars, except that it doesn’t end.  The trails from these purple stars create a matrix, a kind of grid, which makes me think very much of the Great Web of life.  What does this all mean?  I am not certain, but it is a fascinating journey. 

And so, my mind wonders why I was guided to tell you all about this subterranean process happening for me.  Is it perhaps because you are wondering if you are losing your mind because you feel something happening to you too?  Because you feel the slippery slope of your old world crumbling away and you think you are alone in this experience?  Is it because you feel something deeper happening within you but don’t know what to name it?  Is it just to give you a piece of information to consider?  Is it because I am able to put some words around something that is very hard to explain?  Or is it because there are others in the world who are experiencing this thing that I am, and that I need the reassurance that I am not alone?

 

“I am not a victim. I am victorious.” -Jennifer Schuett

 

(here introduce the Old WiseWoman, the Teller of Stories)

 

Come round ye women, of old and of young

To hear the tale of a Shero sprung

From the heart of a child; a lion emerged

To claim her true power…all factors converged.

 

Come round me, women,

and listen to my tale

Of a woman who spoke up

When no voice was there

 

Come round the fire and lend me your heart

As I show you a vision of your own Lionheart.

A story of the strength you possess

Whether you be healer, sage or sorceress.

 

Listen to me sing this song of triumph and woe

Listen to this song of a true Shero

She who has risen from the ashes,

She who did not bow before the lash.

 

A woman who loved herself so much

that she would not allow the heinous crime

committed against her to claim her life,

and now she is speaking out, loud and proud

so others will have courage to do the same.

 

 

(here introduce Women in the crowd, around the fire, gathering)

 

Let us raise our voices to the Shero in all of us

 

Who perseveres and vanquishes her enemy

 

Let us take heart and dare to feel hope

 

From hearing her song

 

~

 

(Old WiseWoman, Teller of Stories)

 

On this day from the banks of clouds

A mortal woman inspires song

Her trials she bore at the hands of a man

Did undo her, but not for long.

 

As a maiden, but a child, she was plucked

From the warmth and safety of her nightly bed

And stolen away in the dark, beaten and deflowered,

Her tender throat cut open, and left for dead.

 

Oh, what did she wonder as she watched

The stars o’er head, her silent witnesses?

Did she want her family, miss her dolly, 

worry for her life, while the sickness of men possesses?

 

(Women around the fire, incredulous, angry)

 

A child is to be protected, cherished, adored

Not beaten, abused, and made into whores!

A child taken by adult woes

Carries that pain wherever they go!

 

(Old WiseWoman, Teller of Stories)

 

Powerless to overthrow him, powerless to stop him,

Powerless to scream, run, fight, or beat him

A little girl in her nightgown, tendrils of sweet curls hanging down

She was the victim of his madness, prey to him. 

 

Her voice, her sweet voice, it was made obsolete

By his cruel knife, an attempted final defeat.

No way to call, no way to cry

It is truly a wonder that she did not die.

 

He threw her away when he was done, lifeless

Onto earth’s field, her blood spilt on the ground

Did he have a moment’s remorse, a thought to whom he’d laid bare?

Or like so much trash, turned his back on her that made no sound?

 

She lay there until the light of day, almost one with the dirt

Barely alive, semi-conscious; and thus began the true work

Of reclaiming her life from that awful night, when innocence was taken

And retrieving her spirit from the blood, semen, and murk.

 

(The Women around the fire are stunned into silence; the Story Teller continues, quietly at first )

 

The choice to live after one’s heart, mind and body are broken

Is a courageous one, to be sure, make no mistake.

A victim as a child, most certainly; but as she grew,

Her goal to have justice was a thirst unslaked.

 

The burning to find her monster, to put him away

Formed a kind of resolve, a strength, a spine.

To put right what was put asunder

To take back, to reclaim what was thine.

 

How many would cringe, wish for and hold tight to their deaths

Rather than stand up, point and loudly scream his name?

How many would turn the old patriarch over on his grey head

And show him the grit of our spirits, the scars from his shame?

 

(Women around the fire, enraged and feeling their ire)

 

The choice not to die

Despite some men’s wishes

Is a clue to our strength.

In your face, sons of bitches!

 

And well meaning advice is forced upon us,

“Let it go”, “It’s karma”, “Forgive and forget”

Not knowing, they perpetrate

The violence that silence begets!

 

(Old WiseWoman, Teller of Stories)

 

The stories of old would nourish us in these times,

When women and children still bear the brunt of men’s weakness.

Stories of women and goddesses, who were erased from the books

But nevertheless, through their sex, show their uniqueness.

 

There is a power, unspoken, quiet but sure

A thread of life that runs through us, no matter what we endure

If we are but willing to take hold of that thread

The long ancestral line of Woman will tenderly hold our head.

 

And when we feel Her strength and resolve,

We will find our voices again, stand up and behold

Our own significant part of All Creation

So marvelous, precious, fierce and bold.

 

~

 

And now in this day of bombing the ancient face of the moon,

Women everywhere would take heart from Jennifer’s role

To find her OWN voice, to face her offender, no matter the years

To bring eyes, justice, awareness, then freedom to her soul. 

 

“To thine own self be true” was ne’er so bright

As when a little girl overcame fear to set things right.

And while we all may be spiritually “playing our part”,

I will go with the Amazon, true to her warrior heart.

 

 

 

Jennifer Schuett, you are a SHERO.

 

In deep and humble gratitude,

With Love and Blessings,

Licia Berry

www.liciaberry.com

Copyright Licia Berry, 2009, all rights reserved

Do you ever get the sense something big is about to happen?  Sort of a building of energy feeling, like gears are turning…but not turning just to turn….turning because it will lead to something.

I have had this feeling today that is similar to the way I felt before I went into labor with my boys.  I noticed when I awoke spontaneously at 5 a.m. that I felt funny, very internal.  An eerie quiet, while something moved deep inside.  As if I was a very still, black lake with an ancient sea creature traversing its muddy bottom.  It is a difficult feeling to describe in words, but I can safely say ”pre-labor” is no ordinary feeling. 

As the morning progressed, I noticed I did something very bold that I have been trying to do for 5 years (I printed out some of the stories I will be publishing in my next book).  I just up and did it!  No talking myself into it, no wringing my hands, no over-analyzing.  Just pulled up 50 pages worth of my heart and printed them out on paper.

You might wonder why this is so significant.  It doesn’t seem like a big deal at all!  But it IS.

I realized today that I have safely secreted away my deepest revelations in my trusty computer (and what I didn’t, I trusted to put in my journals), but never brought them into physical form by printing them.  I kept them nice and safe in the etheric realm of my electronic gadgetry, where I could not show them to anybody.  Or publish them.

You know me, I’m a pretty intense person and a deep thinker.  I figure that I have at least 8000 pieces of writing that I “intend” to put into books stashed on my computer.  I seem to be a collector of my thoughts, and if I write them, I tell myself I doing what needs to be done.  But I am starting to see that there is another half of the equation. 

The other half is putting it out there for folks to read.  My big AHA this week has been that I actually feel that if I don’t DO anything with my writing (except offer it for free on my blog, websites, FaceBook, famous emails, articles published worldwide in several languages, etc.), then no one can criticize me for what I have written.  And certainly I won’t be a failure for not making a living being a writer.  No, if I just keep all my most fabulous work secreted away on my computer, I don’t have to take the risk of playing big.

Well, all that is getting challenged this week.  Between healing my inner masculine (my “DOING” side), revealing my beliefs about my relationship with money in my coaching group, and having the realization that I avoid DOING in order to avoid failing, there is a whole lotta shaken goin’ on. 

I actually sent an introduction piece out to a trusted friend with whom I will begin a writer’s group….she gasped into the phone, “I want to read the book.  NOW.”  Oh boy.  She wants the book NOW. 

I feel intuitively that the fire that is under me about publishing my writing is a good thing.  I feel I am being prodded by the universe (in the most supportive of ways) to get off my arse and TELL MY STORY.  I did always plan to do it, but somehow the years have ticked off and I never, well, got around to it.  I’ve been BUSY!  (ahem)

In my inner guidance this morning, I received the words, “What will it take to put your Self first?”  I can think of so many things to do that are in service to my children and family and home and hearth….as well as things that are not of service to anyone such as playing a computer game (she admits sheepishly).  But to REALLY live my life as it was intended to be lived, that is a different kind of priority.  It will require a shuffling of priorities, a greater discipline, and a very deep devotion to my truest Self to allow that life to be expressed.

I think that is what is shifting.  I think this is what’s happening in my life right now.  I’m choosing to trust that this pre-labor I feel so intently right now is going to take me into a labor of love, one that will birth the me that has been waiting to emerge.  

cells

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” -Albert Camus

 

Why am I always asking the question “Why?”

 

I have done that since I was very young, apparently.  The impression that I received from my mother is that I was constantly asking the question “Why?”, but that if the tables were turned and I was asked a question, that my response was frequently, “I don’t know.”  In my 44 years of searching for the meaning of life and why I am here, I have come to realize that the latter is the most truthful thing I can sometimes say.

 

Having it all figured out is an illusion, that much seems clear.  We can play with spiritual concepts and try them on, and sometimes they make sense to our fragile egoic minds.  Certainly there are a myriad of religions and traditions out there to choose from that claim to have the corner on reality.  But sometimes those spiritual concepts don’t seem to hold up, or they seem to be so harsh when considering what humans can do to each other.  Living through the experience of being powerless to someone else’s violence is something that will test every bit of faith and spirituality you have.

 

I came across the above quote this morning while considering the plight of people who are victimized by violence.  The desire of my contemplation was to find meaning in why these things happen.  I can consider that we choose to be in a certain place at a certain time, and that by some interesting combination of choices a man can rape a woman, and forever alter both their lives.   But going down that path seems to be akin to going down the rabbit hole….there is madness at the center of the illusion that we can know why things happen all of the time.  Perhaps the search for meaning comes out of our desire to control what cannot be controlled.

 

Life is a great mystery….it’s way bigger than can be conceived of by the human mind; I think it’s safe to assert that.  Yet we continue to search for the answers to our existence in a relentless pursuit of some shred of knowing.  When we find an answer, any answer that makes sense in the moment, it makes us feel better for a little while, more in control.  But what does it cost us to be in this constant chase?  If we are always asking questions, does that mean we are not BEING in our life?  Is the meaning of life just to live it?  And does looking for the meaning of life prevent us from doing that?

Quoted directly with permission from http://tothevillagesquare.org/blog

In the book, Abraham by Bruce Feiler, he tells the story of an American who after winning fourteen thousand dollars on Wheel of Fortune, decided to come to Israel for a year. Fifteen years later he hadn’t left. He tells a story to answer why:

“Two brothers live on either side of a hill. One is wealthy and has no family; the other has a large family but limited wealth. The rich brother decides one night that he is blessed with goods and, taking a sack of grain from his silo, carries it to the silo of his brother. The other brother decides that he is blessed with many children, and since his brother should at least have wealth, he takes a sack of grain from his silo and carries it to that of his brother. Each night they go through this process, and every morning each brother is astounded that he has the same amount of grain as the day before. Finally one night they meet at the top of the hill and realize what’s been happening. They embrace and kiss each other.

And at that moment a heavenly voice declares, “This is the place where I can build my house on earth.”

“That story is shared by all three religions,” David said. “And our tradition says that this is that hill, long before the Temple, long before Abraham. And the point of the story is that this degree of brotherly love is necessary before God can be manifest in the world.”

…This is not only the Spot where it is possible to connect with God, it’s the spot where you can connect with God only if you understand what it means to connect with one another.

“The relationship between a person and another human being is what creates and allows for a relationship with God. If you’re not capable of living with each other and getting along with each other, than you’re not capable of having a relationhip with God.” He gestured up at the Wall, the Dome, the churches.

Then he turned back to me. “So the question is not whether God can bring peace into the world. The question is: Can we?”

 

 

For someone who is known for her “spiritual” work, I sure have spent a lot of time preaching to folks about embracing their humanity.  “Divine Human” is a phrase I have used many times over the years that I have been privileged to assist others in experiencing their personal divinity.  But it has been a long process for me of embracing my own humanity.

 

When I was very, very little, I got the message early that the world was not a safe place, but instead one of pain and confusion.  What is normally natural wonderment with the marvel of the physical world in most children became wondering what the hell I was doing here.  I remember looking up at the sky and asking “why me?”… Fully expecting an answer, and hoping to be called back up to the safety of my angelic family.  I did try to leave several times over my life, but apparently I am supposed to stick around.  Due to what I was experiencing in my life, it was not an option to stay psychically open and at ease.  Out of necessity, I left my body.

 

When I started recovery work at age 23, cognitive and group therapies as well as some body work were the next logical choices.  In 2 years of therapy twice per week, I learned the names for what was done to me and that the problem was with them, not me…which was a huge awakening because I had always been held responsible for the dysfunction of my family.  I look back now on those years as coming to a mental understanding, which was a good place to start for someone who could not access her body or emotions or spirit any more. 

 

The body work I did was with a gentle soul of a massage therapist, Judy, who saw my fragility and brokenness, and treated me with such care.  Her work was one of coaxing me back into my body, a little bit at a time, with soft and nourishing caresses rather than deep tissue work.  I found her after going to a sports massage therapist, who tried to beat my muscles into submission by digging ever harder with her manly hands; I was not yet in a place to tell her to stop, so endured it and just never went back.  Finding solace and safety with Judy was a major beginning in finding my way back to my body.

 

I went in to therapy for “tune ups” periodically over my life when I felt there was something that I needed objective assistance with; but as I birthed children, I felt my spirit crack open the shell I had put around my heart, and I began reclaiming my spiritual connection in earnest.  So, the mental component of awareness now joined with the spiritual awakening that was occurring in my life.  I studied several types of healing modalities, read some esoteric material, studied world religions, and started to re-build my communication and cultivate the relationship with my larger self, guides and teachers, and my angelic family that had sustained me during childhood.

 

In 1998, I met a woman who would become my spiritual teacher for 7 years.  Over that time, she helped me learn to meditate, sit still, listen for inner guidance…she gave me names of things I had experienced but didn’t know what to call.  Specifically, she was able to tell me the words for all that I had understood about the world of subtle energy and the way energy moves.  This was more mental/spiritual understanding and development.  Her teachings were to transcend human egoic life and emotion, to reach higher and prepare for “ascension”.  The message was the same as all of the world patriarchal religions; earthly life is to be suffered through, and when we die we will get our reward.  You may not be surprised that this escape from my body and feeling feelings was a great fit for someone who did not fully inhabit her body.  I learned so much from her and don’t regret our time together; however, there did come a day when I realized I had grown past her in her willingness to be in human existence, and we parted ways.

 

Since that time, I have been on a determinedly physical/emotional/mental/spiritual (PEMS) learning curve.  I WANT to be a full human being, feeling the feelings, expressing my emotions, being present to the unique qualities of physical life, FULLY INHABIT MY BODY, all while developing and exploring my mental and spiritual conceptualizations of what it means to exist on an earthly plane.  I guess that is part of why I feel compelled to write about it…I am putting thoughts together to help me answer that question I asked myself when I was so young.  

 

Every time I go to that place of trying to explain away my life through high falutin’ spiritual concepts, or detach myself from my physical experience by analyzing myself through my acutely developed inner therapist (mental capacity), I am trying to remind myself that those aspects of me are only PART of me…that my animal body and my raw emotion also need expression time, because they are part of being human, too.  While those spiritual and mental concepts may very well but true, there is more to the story.

 

Don’t get me wrong…all of the time I have spent exploring my mental and spiritual aspects was important, and I won’t dishonor myself by dismissing those parts of myself.  In contrast, I will explore those aspects of myself in tandem with becoming more fully physical and expressing my emotion.  It is full ON.

 

Being a Divine Human means being HUMAN.  Fully, 100% claiming our human existence….feeling it, living in it, being present in physical life.  We ARE spirit, that is what we come from….it’s a given.  And we came all this way into physical to bring our spirit into this marvelous, complex, messy playground called physical life, not to escape from it. 

 

Sure, we can learn and play around with mental or spiritual concepts about how we got here and what goes on “at a soul level”…there is value in those awarenesses….as long as we don’t do it to the exclusion of our physical and emotional experience, ‘cause we came to experience those, too.  Otherwise we could have just stayed up there in the clouds playing non-physical bocce ball with our angelic friends (hmmm, wonder how you play ball with no ball?) 

 

We wanted to come here to experience what it felt like to be in a body.  IF we don’t allow for that in our lives, we might be missing the whole point.  This is an aspect of the journey I am on, and will continue to write about. 

 

I am currently doing “rage work” now (finally-it was suggested by therapists over the years, but I was too scared to allow myself to feel those awful feelings of powerlessness I had buried deep within my body memory). 

 

The things I am learning from my body as a result of this work are pure revelation.   I am learning that emotion is a message that must be heeded- it is energy in the body that is feedback from a physical experience, and it must be expressed or it will be trapped in the cells of the body and create havoc.  I am learning that it is never too late to express emotion, even if it has been trapped in your body for 40+ years.  I am learning that when I get brave and actually FEEL those feelings and scream or beat up pillows or yell at the top of my lungs, it frees up space inside of me to live more freely, to be more ME.  It feels like alignment, like things coming together that have been apart.  I am learning it takes energy to hold parts of myself apart…and that when I surrender, they will go back together. 

 

This is a good thing-my creative self is coming out to play, I have more energy available to get things done, my focus is getting sharper, I feel as though I am coming into the life I was meant to live….but the big payoff is that I am joining the human race.  My further embracing of my humanity is changing who I am in the world…and I think, for the better.

 

I had a conversation recently on FaceBook that was prompted by Former President Jimmy Carter’s statement that the root of much of the violent opposition and derision towards President Obama is based in racism.  It was a risky thing to talk about, surely, in that it is a controversial topic and a particular hot button here in the south where I grew up.

 

One of the very thoughtful responses that I received was a rejection of that statement by Mr. Carter and a concern that when we make broad statements such as Mr. Carter did, we are in fact projecting our own biases onto other people.  I felt this was a worthy consideration.  Here is my response to that response:

 

“Of course, you raise a wonderful point.  There is no one answer to the dilemma of why we behave in hurtful ways as a collective, and to imply that because folks disagree with Obama they are racist is obviously over-simplifying and generalizing, which consistently seems to be a trap.

 

However, I do feel some truth in what Carter is saying.  Being a native southerner, I know the pervasiveness of racism (and what is called “reverse racism”, which is just racism in my book), and I DO feel it is a significant possibility that the furor over Obama that we see with SOME folks is (perhaps unconsciously) a deep outrage over the fact that he is African American. 

 

My point is that we, as human beings, frequently operate from places of unconsciousness.  What we are not conscious of in our own psyches still act as filters through which we perceive others, and those unconscious filters also cause us to behave in certain ways. 

 

The wound of racism is alive and well in some folks, perhaps especially so here in some places in the south…..but the wound can still be under the surface of their ability to know it, call it by its name, and therefore heal it so that it can be released as an issue in their lives. 

 

I tend to think of unconscious things in my own life as “ghost drivers” that sometimes hijack the train of my life…if I am not aware of them, I can’t predict when they will show up to cause a train wreck.  If I AM aware of them, they dissolve into the light of my consciousness.

 

If, by second guessing, you mean having inner reflection capabilities, I would say that there is a balance between being neurotic about doubting very single thing you say or feel or do…and a healthy self reflective process in which we thoughtfully examine our motives and intentions. 

 

My personal intention is to walk that thin line of balance; of course, I stumble either way of that line….but the line is my center point and I hope and pray its gravitational pull will not let me stray far from it!”

 

In further reflection (which is what I just love about these kinds of civil conversations-they really make me think), I think it is a very astute observation that we can easily point to racism (or any other unconscious thought pattern or behavior) in others and not yet be claiming it in ourselves. 

 

I have experienced being annoyed with the way someone is disorganized in something they do, and not “owned” my own lack of organization or focus.  And I have experienced being projected upon, in which someone else was asleep to their own darkness or insanity and projected that onto me.  Of course, in some instances, such as what Hitler projected onto Jews, not claiming one’s own darkness can lead to violent, hurtful or even fatal consequences.

 

We can also project onto folks that inspire us….we might know some fabulous woman who just seems so together, so intelligent, so savvy…and just marvel at her abilities.  But some of what we are most enamored with about her might actually be something inside of us that we are not claiming.

 

It is easier to see those traits that both annoy and delight us in others, both positive and negative, before seeing them in ourselves. 

 

This is, I feel, the nature of consciousness; waking up to ourselves and recognizing those things about ourselves that we project onto other folks…then, once we wake up to them, we can examine whether those things are a fit for our highest potential in our lives.

 

I’m undergoing a change of epic proportions…I’m happy.

 

After many years of not knowing who I was, and therefore looking outside of myself to get the answer to that question…..leading to choosing to be in community with others that were not a great match for me, I am finally finding myself very at home. 

 

I am seeing now that I was getting closer to being with people that were an accurate reflection of my authentic self.  Back in 2001, after 9-11, when I got a very clear message to stop hiding out as a healer, I attracted some very special people.  Just a handful, but notably important and unusual nonetheless.  Then we took off for the long journey into the hinterlands.

 

Now, in 2009, I am in the right place at the right time, and have let go of so much programmed thinking, thus uncovering my authentic self.  And, this bright shiny flower wants to PLAY.

 

This has led me to think a lot about the ways in which human beings become indoctrinated into being someone they are not. 

 

Reflecting on how I felt as a small child (which I remember as if it were yesterday-I hear that lots of people don’t remember their childhoods, and I find that sad), I knew who I was.  I was independent, capable, resilient, curious, and observant.  I remember feeling these things about myself.  I believe that I was feeling my soul, my essence at a core level.  It was only after I got reflections from people in power that those things were undesirable that I started to feel bad about myself, like who I was at the core was a bad person.  So I started to doubt, and that consistent undermining of my concept of self cost me a pretty penny.

 

What I’m discovering is that the more I have been willing to be open to self examination…even when painful or unflattering…the more able to recognize the constructs that I internalized due to my desire to please and to my desire to survive in the nuthouse.  And when I can recognize them, then I have the opportunity to choose whether they are still a fit for me, or whether they are holding me back. 

 

Sometimes, I will choose to alter a construct to be a better fit for me, rather than throw it out completely.  Such as the construct that being polite to all people is nice.  Not all people deserve my politeness, or my niceness.  I have discovered at the age of 44 that some people are assholes, and that’s just the way it is.  So I adapted this one to “be polite until shown the need to be otherwise.”   It has been hard, but when someone treats me with disrespect, I feel more ability to stand up for myself and recognize that they are the one with the problem, not me.  It feels like growing up to come to this awareness, and to consciously incorporate it into my life.

 

Over the years of this kind of self-examination and application, I am getting clearer and more frequent glimpses of who I was as a child.  I feel the natural joy and wonder that I felt then, more and more often.  I feel safer in the community I am choosing to be around, because they are the kind of people that appreciate me for who I really am. 

 

I have a strong intention, borne of longing, to live in authentic expression of my soul.  Perhaps this came out of feeling lost in the world for such a long time, searching for my real self and for permission to be her.  I am learning that the permission that I need to secure is my own…I am who I am, and coming into acceptance of who I am is freeing up so much energy and happiness in my days. 

 

Seriously, I knew that having resistance expended energy…I have been preaching that one since I went professional energy engineer in 2001.  And I have made little adjustments here and there in my own energy field, choosing to surrender to flow rather than to fight it. 

 

But this one…this big letting go of resistance to being who I am….it is freeing up so much of my chi that I can scarcely believe it.  I had no idea how much of my creative juices and my, well, just sheer JOY was wrapped up in me fighting myself.  And when I am fighting myself, you can bet that I am feeling defensive against the world, and projecting onto every face of reality that it is against me.  Which creates it’s own stew of conflict and unhappiness.

 

Do you ever feel like you are up against a wall inside of yourself?  Like you can’t get past that last obstacle, or through a ceiling you can’t see?  That’s what I experienced, and the wall was my own resistance to being who I am….out of fear that I would not be accepted by others.  Turns out it was my own acceptance that was truly needed. 

 

What’s the worst that can happen?  I found the worst that I could imagine was the unnamed fear that drove me to sell myself out was that I was afraid I would be annihilated.  Killed, physically, sure…like all those lifetimes of being burned, disemboweled, beheaded, drowned, murdered in front of my children, etc.  But there was a deeper fear …the annihilation of being rejected and unloved by the source of my life…my parents….. and then ultimately, God/dess.  That’s the fear worse than death.  To be rejected by that which made you, what could be worse than that?

 

My sense is that fear is the motivator for us to do something so dire as to choose to stop being who we are in favor of who someone else wants us to be.  I think it’s worth examining those fears, and facing them to see if we can deal with them.  Sometimes, it is about confronting what we are most afraid of, and accepting that it is something we must inevitably face, such as death.  Other times, I have found that the fear is bigger than the reality, and sometimes the fear is just plain untrue.

 

I wonder….if folks could remember what it felt like to be a child, before all the indoctrination set in, if they could get a sense of their authentic self.  Do you remember being a child?  Were you self reflective?  Do you remember feeling your life, what it felt like to be in the world?  Who were you?  What were you like?  Perhaps there are clues there about your own soul, and who you really are.

 

I fantasize about what kind of a world this would be if we all were in loving acceptance of ourselves.  Can you imagine if we were all at peace with who we are?  No inner torture, no self doubt, no cutting our own self off at the knees just before we succeed…wow, what would that feel like?  Would we feel the need to make war on each other?  To judge each other can call each other names?  To create whole institutions and organizations and religions that say the others are wrong?

 

And may I humbly suggest that who you really are is sooooooo perfect?  That it is who you came here to be?  That the world needs you just as you really are?  And that if you are pretending to be someone else, you are doing us all a disservice because what we really need and want is the REAL you? 

 

April 27, 2009

Tsunamis of Love

 

“Feeling change in the air…the larger energy cycle shifted in mid-April, and I feel it continuing to open up. The balls that have been up in the air will all fall to the ground in May, and June will be the GO month…a month of action. We’ll see!”-  Licia Berry’s status on FaceBook on April 26, 2009, which generated some questions

 

For many years, I have spoken on this website about the larger energy cycles that our planet and therefore all inhabitants are going through…the increasing intensity that we all feel is no accident.  On this page you will find the archives of years of my paying attention to and recording this phenomenon.

 

We are riding a series of energy waves, a collective tsunami of love if you will, that has increased exponentially since the year 2000.

 

I have received questions from folks wanting to know what is going on, but it is already said here.  If you read over the years and years of entries that I have posted about my experience of the larger energy cycles, you will see a build up and you will also see that I have shared my own human growth and awarenesses as I, too, change for the better.

 

You guys, this is the most remarkable time to be alive and awake.  Things are crashing down around us; in job loss, health crises, relationships ending, geographical relocations, etc…all of the stress factors that can happen to get our attention are happening right now.  All of this is happening in the name of our waking up to a deeper and greater experience of being alive and joyful, more authentically ourselves.  Yes, becoming conscious can be a challenge…but not becoming conscious is just the worst possible scenario I can imagine.

 

When I was young, I wondered why people seemed like zombies or like robots, and so sad.  I was engaged in life, played with the magic…over time, though, I became sad and more asleep, too.  I have compassion for myself and others….I think it is very easy, even if we have the best intentions, to be indoctrinated into the Great Slumber that so many of us partake of as we zoom through our very short life on this planet.  For many, the sleep seems the most comforting alternative…being numb to the pain seems better than feeling the pain.  In my case, though, I found that being asleep was more uncomfortable than being awake; when I was 21, some part of me realized I was missing something (I won’t retell that story here; it is at least partially documented in much of my writing, including my book Love Letter). I have been on a quest to wake up ever since.

 

Partaking of the Great Slumber has a terrible cost.  I am learning that when we don’t FEEL, we are missing out on the whole point of being here, in physical form on earth.  I have it on good authority that we came to experience and report back the data to our Source….and if we aren’t FEELING and processing what we are experiencing, we are cheating Source of that which we promised to provide.  Well, we can always come back another time.  But will we be awake next time?  Wouldn’t it be more amazing if we were awake NOW?

 

I have been in the process of deep transformation, AGAIN (gosh, it just keeps getting deeper and better!)  I have been on a kind of sabbatical since June of last year, a process of entering the chrysalis for deep transformation.  The most recent accelerator and assistant to my process has been that I broke my ankle in February, an injury which has catapulted me into a healing and re-balancing of my inner feminine and inner masculine.  Of course I had the option of seeing myself as a victim and, as I saw in my research, drinking beer and watching TV for 8 weeks (!!!) to pass the time while I could not walk.  But I didn’t want to do that.  When it happened, one of the first things I chose was that I was going to milk this occurrence for all it was worth.  And I have, and as a result, the insights have come so fast and furious that at times I could not write them down fast enough.  But this has been about more than writing it down, although I was encouraged to record this experience day after day.  This was a true body/mind/spirit metamorphosis, an experiential rebirth, one that can scarcely be talked about in words.  Again, this attention getter was no accident…it was a divine tool of assistance to help me wake up in a deeper and more meaningful, authentic way.

 

This is akin to what we are all being given the opportunity to do right now.  Of course, all of our situations are different…the details and the themes in our lives are individual to each of us.  But the larger tsunami of love is the same….we are all being given the opportunity to wake up to a deeper and more authentic life, if we will just cooperate with it, surrender in it.

 

The larger energy waves will increase….as with all cycles, there is an ebb and flow.  I felt an energy shift in mid-April, a sort of coming out of hibernation feeling, or a coming out of the chrysalis…what that looked like for me was a series of little energy releases, and then a huge energy release on my birthday April 23^rd, and increasing clarity and balance since then.  What I feel coming over the near horizon is that May is a month when we will be getting some answers to our questions we have been asking since January, and then June will be a GO month, and month where right action will be greatly supported.

 

Right action?  What do I mean by that?  I mean action that is carefully considered, a feminine trait in my language.  I am learning in my own life that action should not be taken unless it is discerned, weighed and measured.  FELT (there is that FEELING thing again) in all of my deepest places- body, mind and soul. 

 

In my own process and learning of allowing the feminine to lead, softness and wisdom are the way to approach first, then to ask the inner masculine to step in to take action based on the input of the feminine.  In the past, I have tried to force things, to make something happen, without asking the quiet sage of my inner feminine for her input.  I have learned a great lesson from this….the awareness of divine timing is something that lives in each of us if we will but listen.

 

So, like the rest of the human club, I am changing, and all areas of my life will reflect these changes.  I choose to surrender.  I choose to become an adept surfer, rather than to cover my ears and eyes and pretend the waves aren’t coming, thus resulting in my getting clobbered by them.  I choose to dance with this ecstatic universe, I choose to play and be who I truly am…I choose to fulfill my promise to Source by being as awake as possible, as much as my heart and soul can bear.  Hurrah, Hoka Hey, and Holy of Holies, this is the time.

 

first published on www.liciaberry.com 4-27-09